If this title resonates with you then I’m guessing you’ll know that visceral reaction of deliberately holding your answer back. Of deliberately silencing yourself even though you have the understanding and knowledge to provide the correct response.
If this is you, you are definitely not alone. This issue comes up in my counselling practice room all the time. It’s usually discussed with regards to work or learning situations but can also come up around relationships and friendship scenarios.
Two versions of biting your tongue
At first, it would appear this situation boils down to a sheer need to stay silent because the idea of providing an answer – even one you know would be correct – is entirely out of your comfort zone. Because stepping out of your comfort zone means stepping into a scary place where you could risk being judged or ridiculed.
But a second version can emerge where you let someone else answer. Anyone as long as it’s not you! But they provide an answer which you know is substandard, or less accurate and comprehensive than the one you would have given. This can shift the dynamics of your silence. Because now not only are you operating from fear, but you are also deliberately dimming your light.
This can mean that you are, consciously or not, running the risk of being overlooked, allowing someone else to take credit which could have been yours and holding yourself back in a way that might spill over into other aspects of your life.
It happens to the most capable people
My conversations with clients about knowing the answer and not giving it are typically with smart successful people.
Some of them can be students who are living with this fear in real time in the classroom or lectures. Others can be talented professionals for whom the fear first showed up in education and has followed them throughout their careers. In the present day, it can still raise its head even in situations where they have a ton of experience and expertise but still hold back. Watching colleagues take the limelight or get the credit whilst they watch hamstrung from the sidelines.
Where it comes from
The roots of this visceral reaction around speaking up can stem from different childhood scenarios. This could be the imprint of what it was like to be told off by adults that has left a lasting fear of getting something wrong and provoking a similar reaction. Or it could be the perfectionist’s fear of judgement, of being exposed and the self-shaming this could lead to.
It can also be linked to a fawning reaction, especially with relation to the second version of biting your tongue. In this case, it’s about always defaulting to the needs of others. This means your reaction is to let someone else answer first whilst dimming your light, even if this could detrimentally impact you.
The cost of staying silent
Staying silent when you know the answer can be a difficult pattern to shake. But it can also be a symbolic bellwether of patterns and issues that are keeping you stuck.
Often when I discuss this issue with clients, they openly acknowledge it in their behaviour but continue to repeat it anyway. This is primarily because it feels safer and oddly more comfortable than the alternative.
But the real cumulative cost is that it means you remain on edge, overthinking scenarios, restraining yourself rather than acting on instinct. It can mean that you stay small in situations, afraid to fully take up space. And this can ripple out to become a blueprint of how you approach relationships and settings across the board.
Questions to ask yourself
It’s OK sometimes to sit back and let someone else step in with an answer. But when this becomes your default habit, it’s worth paying attention to. So often this stems from an old pattern or historic setting rather than something that reflects what’s really true about you now.
You might find it useful to sit with a few questions, perhaps with your journal or notes app, to do a little exploration. Not to berate yourself, just to notice what comes up.
Here’s a few suggestions to start you off:
- Why do I keep silent in certain scenarios?
- What am I afraid of? e.g. giving a wrong answer, being told off
- Are there situations where this behaviour is detrimental to me?
- Where could I try out speaking from my instincts rather than reining myself in?
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