The perfectionist is usually busy, always alert, on the lookout for the next issue that requires their considered, detailed response. They are characterised as having high standards, being hard on themselves and fearing failure.
But whilst they remain focused on excelling effortlessly across every domain, questioning where their high standards came from and who they are performing for can stay out of their awareness. This post goes behind the scenes, looking at the external viewpoint and asking the question: ‘Who are you being perfect for?’
Perfectionism permeates all aspects of life
It could be easy to think of perfectionism as being all about appearance. But the reality is it can be like an invasive species, permeating across all aspects of life. A modus operandi.
I see it show up in my counselling practice in clients who are working hard to be perfect in all areas of their life. At first glance it looks subtle. The person arranging a get together for their friends. The one who’s prepping for a meeting after hours or supporting colleagues on a weekend shift.
But when I start probing, I seeing it show up across the board. The signs appear across their home life, work life, socially and amongst their hobbies.
The individual might not recognise their high standards as being an issue. They probably don’t recognise how extensively it’s showing up and the residual impact it’s having.
The externalising reframe
Perfection is often brushed off as a commitment to high standards. Society lauds it. Social media fuels it. But whilst the focus remains on what is perfectionism and what influences it, the why is neglected.
The relentless pursuit of perfection is massively internalised. Fear of failure and external criticism keeps the individual locked in an internal world. The head down, keep striving mentality means there’s no time for contemplating why they are so focused on this pursuit. Often, it’s completely out of their awareness that perfectionism can have a negative impact on their wellbeing.
But the most supportive question a perfectionist can ask themselves is who is my perfectionist performing for?
Where the high standards came from
How someone’s drive for high standards emerge is not always explicit. There can be several different reasons. Perhaps one especially dominant or a combination of a few which have set the scene.
Often the root causes don’t automatically come to mind when I start exploring perfection with clients. But it’s usually the case that the patterns have been in place for some time.
It may be linked to a childhood need to meet the high expectations of a parent or a teacher. In a setting focused on achievement, someone else’s standards can be projected onto you and then become internalised.
But this can also be the result of complex trauma or bullying. By trying to get nothing wrong, the perfectionist lowers the chance of getting into trouble or being taunted. Deliberately or subconsciously, striving for perfection becomes a way to fit in, fly under the radar and stay safe.
Figuring it out alone
I also regularly see another pattern which can sit alongside any of the above. That’s the fact that perfection often emerges in people who have had to figure things out alone.
Their childhood may or may not have involved neglect, but somewhere along the way they realised they needed to back themselves because they couldn’t rely on their caregivers to support their emotional wellbeing. Children who forged their own way because of this lack of emotional security often become adults who have issues with perfectionism.
If nobody else was reliably there to notice needs or provide comfort, then not making mistakes becomes a sensible strategy for safety and control.
It also shows up in the eldest child or the quieter sibling who managed their own homework without help, sorted out their own conflicts and became independent early because competence became their form of having agency.
And because this pattern often produces genuinely capable high-functioning adults, it can go unrecognised as coming from a place of unmet need. It just looks like self-sufficiency.
The audience, then and now
Once you start exploring the origins of your perfectionism and questioning who are performing for, you may discover that the reasons for your high standards might not be as compelling as you think.
This could be because you’ve been holding them in place based on old scripts. The parent, teacher or bully might no longer be present, or you may not even remember the moment that mattered so much back then. The reason for using perfectionism as a response to these historic events might not be relevant anymore.
Regardless of what perfectionism became a response to, over the years the work continues on the inside. What may have once been a valid reaction to someone else’s harsh voice, a parent’s expectation, a teacher’s criticism or a bully’s taunt becomes internalised. Over the years it assimilates in your own head, as your own voice, so convincingly it can feel like it was your own thoughts all along.
But perfectionism is also performed for a live audience whether you want to admit it or not. Your high standards and concern about failure are kept up for colleagues, friends, family, social media. Basically whoever’s watching your capable, composed, reliable self. This is the outward-facing twin of the internal critic, same standards but externally focused.
So, perhaps the answer to ‘who are you being perfect for?’ is both your internal critic and the whoever you’re in contact with in any aspect of life. And from this realisation, the next question might be ‘why do you need to be perfect in these settings?’.
Getting curious about perfectionism
This post is not about encouraging you to drop your perfectionist tendencies. Rather, it’s to encourage you to be a little curious about why they play such an important role in your life and if the root causes are still relevant.
When you take the time to explore how your relationship to your external audience and your inner critic have been working in tandem you might be surprised about how much you question the necessity of all your performing.
If you found this post interesting, you may also like to read the following posts:
Is the Voice of Your Inner Critic Actually Someone Else’s?
What’s Behind Your Capable, Composed and Reliable Armour
Understanding Perfectionism and Wellbeing
