The smallest mistake
Shame. One of the most common emotions that shows up in my counselling practice. Conversations about it often relate to the smallest of mistakes. Perhaps a small error at work or forgetting to do something minor.
It may be a mistake that a client has made which no one else has noticed. They might be the only ones who are aware of it. What is striking is that these clients are usually the ones that take great care with what they do.
They are people who rarely make mistakes but the shame that surrounds those mistakes holds a lot of power. And often, it isn’t a mistake but the fear of making mistakes that holds people back.
What happens afterwards
For someone who tries very hard to avoid mistakes, even the smallest error can cause a lot of distress. Typically, this can include rumination about the conditions surrounding the mistake, what they could have done differently and how to prevent it happening again. Also, anxiety levels are likely to increase or low mood to worsen.
This can all have an impact on the quality of someone’s sleep, such as waking at 3am with worry. It can reduce their appetite or increase their reliance on unhelpful coping mechanisms.
The intensity of the shame can lead someone to put extra compensating measures in place to make sure a mistake doesn’t happen again. And because it’s so hard to put the mistake behind them, this adds pressure and anxiety, which further activates the nervous system and deepens the shame.
Shame or guilt
Shame can sometimes be associated with guilt but there’s an essential difference. Guilt as an emotion is more related to specific behaviour. It relates to a concrete example of where we did something wrong or failed to meet a set standard. There is always something tangible about it.
Shame, on the other hand, relates to our sense of self. When we feel shame about something that has happened, it’s issues with our self-worth that fuel it. It’s not always the case that it relates to behaviour. Sometimes the mistake isn’t even theirs. Someone else may have given the wrong instructions or not done what they should have, but it’s the client who feels the weight of responsibility.
It can be an echo of past experiences and the uncomfortable residue which we were left with, which has built up over time. Because shame relates directly to our self-worth and self-esteem it can be more hidden and isolating. It negatively impacts our foundations and causes us to doubt our ability to be accepted, loved or supported.
When it’s the fear of a mistake
In counselling, we often talk less about the mistakes themselves and more about what someone does to avoid them. Often shame about a mistake can relate to something that hasn’t actually happened. Clients talk more frequently about their fear of a future mistake than one that has already happened.
Shame from past mistakes is like a spectre. It can lead people to fear making mistakes. They consciously avoid situations or activities where the likelihood of them making an error could be increased. Or where there’s a greater risk of a spotlight being shone on them and their behaviour. Their logic is that if they avoid something, they take the risk out of the equation.
In the same way, procrastination can be linked to shame. In this scenario, someone deliberates over and delays doing something because it means they avoid risk. There may be a goal that they’d really like to achieve but shame is like a handbrake that holds them back from taking the plunge.
Where it comes from
Because shame’s roots are tied to self-worth, it connects back to past experiences. As a result, there are a multitude of factors which shame can stem from. Here are some common examples:
- being the family scapegoat
- a critical parent, or one who shouted
- being called out in front of others by a parent, a teacher or school bullies
- pressure to do well and to perform
- others in the family being prioritised for care
Shame about making mistakes can be closely aligned with perfectionism which is also linked to these examples. It also regularly shows up in people who fawn which is a complex trauma response. Fawning characteristics such as people pleasing, anticipating others’ needs, and a sense that you are the ‘bad’ one because of the dominance of others often lead to a lot of shame and trepidation about making mistakes.
The power it holds
Unfortunately, shame fuels shame, which is why it’s so important to realise that shame is very common. If it’s something that is a dominant emotion for you, it might feel that it’s just part of your personality. But actually, shame relates to your self-worth.
If mistakes are something that you find hard to get over, or if you are actively not doing things because of fear, taking some time to consider what this stems from can be useful. Shame can be the very thing that stops you moving forwards.
Here are a few suggestions of questions that you might find helpful to reflect on:
- What am I not doing because I’m afraid of getting it wrong?
- When did I first feel this way about getting things wrong, and whose voice does the shame sound like?
- Is the shame about what I did, or about who I think I am?
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