I thought it was an interesting coincidence to find this post title in my calendar when many of us are thinking of hibernation. The clocks have just gone back marking the end of British Summer Time and we’re looking ahead to darkening days and cosy evenings. The very opposite of coming out of hiding!
But when it comes to personal development and therapeutic journeys, the moment when things shift and hiding ends doesn’t follow a logical schedule.
So often I write about the things that bring people to therapy rather than what happens later in the journey. This post aims to shine a light on what can happen when a client emerges from the forest they’ve been in.
Hiding from yourself and others
When someone starts counselling sessions, it’s common for them to not realise they’re actually in hiding. This may be because they are anxious and feel like a hamster on a wheel continually trying to keep up. They may have lost touch with how isolated they have become because the shift has built up over time.
Or someone may be in denial about how much they are keeping to themselves. They may be struggling but their perfectionism means they don’t take it seriously. This is because they have become programmed to not share any sign of difficulty with others.
Old patterns can mean certain people cope with things alone because they learnt that they couldn’t rely on other people. They feel the pain of issues and situations but often the reasons why are not in their conscious awareness. They have become so alert for potential danger due to past experiences that stress and sadness mask who they are underneath.
Other clients I see in my counselling practice know only too well that they are in hiding. They realise they have been isolating themselves from the world around them. This may include avoiding social contact as much as possible, numbing feelings with food or drink, doomscrolling, or binge-watching TV.
The process of understanding
Obviously, a key element of counselling is helping clients understand what’s been going on behind the scenes and why. But it’s also to help them get a sense of reality. If someone has been hiding from themselves and the world around them, there’s a good chance the narrative in their mind has become locked in unhelpful loops.
The process of exploration unfolds during sessions. For some relatively quickly, for others more slowly over time. One step after another. Over weeks or months, these small steps add up.
They show up as a better understanding of the impact past events and experiences have on how they feel. Knowing which people press their buttons, why this happens and why it’s not their fault. Learning that if they make a little mistake, the world keeps spinning and they don’t get told off / feel embarrassed / no one gets angry. They build their knowledge of what truly matters when layers of coping mechanisms and other people’s impact are pulled back.
What emerging looks like
Emerging from hiding is a path that has different twists and turns for everyone. But here are some common changes that happen with many of my clients that help them move forwards:
Letting go of perfect everything – Breaking free of the controlling strands of perfectionism.
Worrying less about what others think – This can be one of the biggest log jams. Reducing how much time a hyperactive inner critic devotes to other people is key.
Trusting themselves – Someone may be smart, sensible and rational in many areas of their life, but anxiety, low self-esteem and perfectionist standards can mean they question themselves and override their instincts.
Understanding who and what the trigger points are – Whilst many people initially feel overwhelmed, their range of trigger points can actually be quite narrow. It’s often those close to them or situations which are representative of past experiences. Days spent feeling awful can be reduced when there’s more perspective on why they are triggers.
Balancing the drainers – Reducing the time spent with people who drain energy and increasing time with those who don’t.
Finding the right tribe – For many people who’ve been hiding, their isolation is partly because of the amount of time spent with people who don’t align with what’s important to them. For example, someone may have been hiding as an extrovert. When they spend more time with people who share their quieter personality they can feel much more comfortable about themselves.
Doing more of what feels good – Authenticity, self-compassion and self-care are bandied around a lot but that’s because they are valuable. Choosing to do things that feel good and are calming for the nervous system is important. This might even mean a little hiding away from the world is necessary. But deliberately choosing to have some time to recover from the hecticness of life is something different when it feels good.
Coming out into the light
Whilst the path out of hiding may take time, there can be a sense of ‘whoosh’ when someone finally emerges out of the forest and into the light.
The client will know that they have been heading in the right direction because there have been more glimmers of light. But that moment when they step out beyond the trees into the light can still feel a bit disorienting.
As a counsellor, I find the ‘whoosh’ stage fascinating because sometimes it seems unexpected. My previous session with a client might have been a difficult one for them. We may have had some hard moments in the conversation; they may have been upset. But big learnings can come from difficult sessions. Sometimes they act as a catalyst and move the cogs on a few turns so something in a client’s mind mechanism clicks into place. All the previous sessions have got them to this point and prepared them for this shift.
Suddenly, they may be able to look around and finally see how far they’ve come. How the incremental small shifts have added up into big changes in beliefs and behaviours. They may realise that right now life feels good and that’s pretty damn great. It’s time for them to enjoy the benefits of this moment. Not to keep looking over their shoulder, or keep themselves hidden from view, but to try out what it feels like to be out in the light.
The new normal
Being in the light might feel a little unnerving and take time for clients to get used to. The main thing is that the baseline has shifted. Sure, there will still be gloomy or anxious days in the future. Things will trip them up or challenges will arrive out of the blue because that’s what real life entails.
But typically, it won’t keep someone down in the same way it did before. Because their perspective has changed. They have become sure-footed. More trusting of themselves and reality.
Your own journey
The clocks may have gone back, the evenings are drawing in, and a bit of hibernation is no bad thing. Resting by choice is very different from hiding, which is often because it feels safer than being seen.
There are so many people out there who are hiding, whether or not they fully acknowledge it. If you know that you are one of them or if you feel stuck right now, I hope this post helps you understand what some of the process of stepping out of the forest and into the light might entail.
I’d be very happy to arrange a suitable time for an initial chat about making your own start on this journey, with no obligation. You can email me on hello@karentoms.com.
If you’d like to read other posts in my Visibility series, you can find them vis the links below:
