Do you feel pride in your ability to be capable, composed and reliable? If so, what is it costing you? And does it come from a place of self-assurance? Or from a need to cover up what’s happening behind the scenes?
What I often see in my counselling practice is that being capable, composed and reliable means other people think you are fine when you have actually been struggling for quite some time. My clients and I explore the costs of presenting as the capable one, what is really going on behind this armour, unravel unconscious patterns that are no longer helpful and work towards a more congruent presence.
The weight of your armour
In our success driven culture, giving the impression that you are on top of everything is prized. But when that reaches across home and work life, family, friends and associates, it can be constant work. It takes active, deliberate effort to maintain the same level of capability and composure across these different aspects of life. And once those around you rely on you, this can provide additional incentive to keep up the armour on.
Once you have become capable, composed and reliable and it is seemingly a successful strategy, it can become habitual. When habits are in place, they become second nature and we typically do not question their value. This means that we can lose track of whether these traits are beneficial to us and any toll they are taking can get overlooked.
What the armour is shielding?
I see the effort it takes for some clients to maintain their armour and the toll. They are inevitably showing up relentlessly in all areas of their life.
They perform at work, are the people you want on your team, as committed as the company’s owners. At home, they are juggling multiple commitments and shouldering heavy weights of responsibility. Socially, they are the ones who are conscious about maintaining friendships and meetups, even when their effort is not always reciprocated.
These types of clients often come to me because of difficulties with issues such as anxiety, low mood, stress and poor body image. They know something needs to change. But they do not usually realise that commitment to their armour is a key part of what needs to alter.
This armour is usually shielding other factors which are creating issues behind the scenes. These often include low self-esteem, perfectionism, low self-confidence and complex trauma which drives unhelpful behaviour patterns.
The perceived absence of alternatives
When I reflect back to these clients the load they are carrying in being capable, composed and reliable, I am often met with resistance. Clients may have some appreciation for the fact that they are hiding what’s going on behind the scenes but usually the full extent is not in their awareness.
They have become so focused being capable, composed and reliable that it feels like a life ring. It is the scaffolding that they have clung to. By remaining busy and occupied, they can avoid sitting with the discomfort of what is sitting behind the scenes. Being capable is so deliberate for them that they usually reject the idea of alternatives initially. Some clients even leave counselling at this point.
The unconscious layers
Fear of being seen as anything less than capable, composed and reliable can mean people get caught in a cycle. In this cycle, external demands or perceived demands drive the agenda alongside the fear of being exposed as lacking in any way.
This fear shows up in many guises. Fear of making mistakes, saying the wrong thing, being challenged etc. There is also the fear of displaying any struggles or issues going on behind the scenes. This is because they believe that their internal experience – their thoughts, feelings and challenges – confirm what they most fear about themselves. There is often a sense of shame or embarrassment about what they perceive to be their failings and how others might see them if they knew the truth.
For some people, this whole construct is subconscious. Before we begin to explore it, my clients often do not know they are doing it. For them, it is both normal and personal. The concept that many people feel the same or that they are perceived by others as capable, composed and reliable is out of their awareness.
The beginning of something different
An important element of this work is that it is not about dismantling someone’s capability. Rather it is about reclaiming it for themselves in a congruent way. When being capable, composed and reliable is someone’s shield, it is often used compulsively. It is the go-to. Unwinding something which has been both a strength and an Achilles heel typically involves a real tussle. The compulsive performance element of the behaviour needs to be replaced by using it through choice. It is not a smooth transition and the pull back to the familiar path will be testing at times.
When being capable, composed and reliable is based on fear and shame, it can take time for someone to create the conditions they need to lower their shield. Initially the work involves surveying the scene and piecing together the patterns of thoughts and behaviours. Then we explore the reasons why they were put in place. As we are often working with issues which have been stored subconsciously, it can take time to bring them into awareness.
Another key element is supporting the client to build more solid foundations for themselves. This can partly involve helping them to recognise the toll their external performance is taking on them. It can include finding ways to take pressure off themselves. Often their relentless keeping up of appearances has taken a toll on their wellbeing so addressing what might be more supportive for their mental and physical health is important.
The rewards of this journey
Alongside the work of reconfiguring their concept of themselves and their environment, there can be moments of realisation and relief as their shield lowers. Working towards a more congruent concept of self can bring ease and greater presence. The space that was filled with shame and fear can become inhabited with greater calm and assurance.
The process of acknowledging the role of being capable, composed and reliable in your life and changing can take time. But what I have seen is that the rewards of the work can transform your sense of self. It means you feel much more capable, composed and reliable – to yourself and to others – as a result.
If you enjoyed this post you might also find the following posts interesting:
Never Feeling Like You’ve Fulfilled Your Potential
Shape Shifting – When the Person You’ve Become Isn’t Really You
