Were you a shy child? Or perhaps this was something that other people told you you were? Have you ever thought about the impact this had on you?
Perhaps, it’s been so much a part of your foundations that you’ve never stopped to reflect on how it has underpinned how you feel about yourself.
I often see clients who I think were shy children. They describe themselves as being the ‘quiet one’, maybe with a more outgoing sibling or happy in their own company. There’s nothing wrong with being shy but, in the past, it has sometimes been regarded negatively.
I think the word shy is often misunderstood. It isn’t used as much these days, and I wanted to explore the concept of shyness in this post because I think if there was greater clarity between shyness, introversion and just being quiet, it might help a lot of people.
Shyness and introversion are not the same thing
When I went searching for a definition of shyness, I found an article by introversion specialist, Susan Cain. She describes shyness as ‘the fear of negative judgment’ and introversion as ‘a preference for quiet, minimally stimulating environments’.
This definition doesn’t quite match my own experience. When I think back to how I felt as a shy child, I wasn’t fearful of negative judgment. I was just happy to not say a lot and enjoy spending time quietly playing or reading.
I speak with my clients a lot about the fear they experience about negative judgment. This can be really debilitating. It can hold people back from making positive changes in their lives. It can keep them locked into spirals of comparing themselves to the behaviour and performance of others.
Fear of judgment can go hand-in-hand with anxiety. The fear of doing something that will bring negative attention to yourself can set your nervous system alight. And fear of judgement and anxiety are central to the concept of perfectionism but perfectionists don’t tend to call themselves shy.
The issue with defining shyness
Fundamentally, the same underlying experience gets named differently depending on the context. This provides some indication of how loaded the word shy actually is.
When I was a child, I interpreted the word shy to simply mean quiet. Susan Cain’s work in the 2010s played a key role in introvert becoming the preferred descriptor for quietness – and also to showcasing the assets of being quiet.
Before this time, shy was probably more of a catch-all than was helpful. Having a clear distinction might be helpful but I’m not convinced that trying to force the word shy onto people who are fearful of negative judgment will do this.
How introverts can become shy
I wonder how many people who were given the label ‘shy’ when they were children have gone on to struggle with a fear of judgment?
Certainly, this is a pattern I see in my counselling practice. I think that often quiet children can be overlooked or misunderstood. There is sometimes a sense amongst those around them they that are OK because they’re not demanding or shouting for attention.
The label shy carried negative connotations. Quiet was regarded as a bad thing, even though this may have been simply because it was misunderstood. But the badge stuck. When a child internalised the message that being shy brought them unwelcome and negative attention, they often sought to dispel attention in other areas.
If they were operating in challenging home situations where their needs are overlooked, quiet children can often become fawners. As adults, these are often the people who have learnt to make themselves as unobtrusive as possible – agreeable, accommodating, careful not to draw the wrong kind of attention. The fear of negative judgment that was never named as a child became rooted as part of their identity, one that often holds them back.
The gap between self-perception and how others saw you
Being a shy, quiet child can mean that you are considered calm, thoughtful and composed. And this is very often correct. But shyness can often make you feel invisible. Particularly because you were a quiet bystander to so much of what was going on around you.
There can be an interesting gap between your own self-perception and how others saw you. Just because those closest to you prodded and poked at your reserved nature, doesn’t mean others saw you that way – you just didn’t know it. I’ve experienced this myself when I’ve had a conversation with someone who knew me at school and remembered me completely differently to how I felt myself at the time.
Wouldn’t it be great if society celebrated being quiet instead of drawing negative attention to it?
Reflecting on what the label left behind
The label shy can have a long-lasting impact on a quiet child and run deeper than you might have realised. If this is something that you’ve experienced, you might want to reflect on how you really felt and how other people’s behaviour and language altered this. Being a quiet person is not a flaw.
The posts below explore themes related to this one which you may find interesting:
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking
Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves and How to Find Our Way Back
