You may initially think shapeshifting is just people pleasing by another name. Whilst they’re very often close friends, there is a clear delineation. I definitely hear more people describe themselves as people pleasers than shapeshifters but believe that it is the latter we need to look out for more keenly. Both are signs of fawning. But it is shapeshifting that I believe is harder to spot and can take you further away from yourself.
This post is an opportunity to look more closely at shapeshifting, how to spot the signs and what the cost of adapting to your environment can be in reality.
What shapeshifting actually is
Has anyone ever described you as a chameleon? Or perhaps it’s a word you use to describe yourself. I think the chameleon analogy is a good starting point when thinking about shapeshifting. Chameleons change colour not simply to camouflage themselves; they do it to signal changes in their mood and stress levels.
Shapeshifting humans learnt to adapt to their environment because of mood and stress issues, but the difference is that the people around them rarely notice their camouflage. It is a clever way of sinking under the radar. Whilst people pleasing behaviour stands out, chameleon-like shapeshifting involves changing identity and melding yourself to the environment rather than just accommodating it.
Where it begins
Becoming a shapeshifter is not something people aspire to. Rather it is a coping strategy that sticks.
Shapeshifting is a way to fill a relational gap. Usually, it has its roots in childhood. It begins when we don’t feel safe to be ourselves at home, at school or around friends. If we’re shut down, dismissed or abused, it can be an intelligent response to alter how we show up.
By changing ourselves, we can meld into something which is more acceptable to the environments we are operating in. This might quite quickly mean creating multiple personas, but this can feel preferable to our nervous system.
By filling the relational gap in a manner that is more externally accepted, we keep ourselves safe. What we do not know at this young age is that we might continue to deploy this strategy into adulthood and what the impact of this will be.
How it develops in adult life
There are many things we grow out of as we move from teenager to adult but often shapeshifting is not one of them.
Adulthood takes us into new environments such as university, workplaces and personal relationships. If we learnt in our early years that being in relationship means shifting our identity to fill any relational gaps – guess what – that is what we are going to carry on deploying.
Adult relationships also bring with them different rewards like promotions, pay rises and a home of your own. These rewards can heighten the stakes. If you are a shapeshifter, especially one who is a fawner too, you are gonna raise your game.
This can mean your goals become focused on being the consummate professional or the perfect partner or parent and if that strategy pays off, your shapeshifting becomes further rewarded and reinforced. It becomes a path you continue to follow even when the route is not actually personally fulfilling.
When it becomes unconscious
Shapeshifting takes time and energy. This is not just about always showing up to your relatives with a dessert. This can involve wholesale identity shifts.
Think about the person who transforms how they behave and dresses to fit in with their work culture and their perceived demands of bosses and colleagues. The individual who always defaults to the whims of their friends, hanging out in bars they’re not comfortable in, eating food they wouldn’t choose or dressing like them to not stand out.
Over the years, it becomes the operating system. Simply something you do in every situation. Shapeshifting is your attachment language. Your own authenticity becomes suppressed to the point where it is perpetually out of reach. The toll of continually changing your identity builds up incrementally and takes you further from yourself.
The cost
‘Taking you further from yourself’ is a bit of an abstract phrase and wellness industry speak so let me explain what I mean by it.
The reality is that if you have been a shapeshifter for most of your life you will not be fully aware of the impact that it has on your day-to-day life and your nervous system. Across all those years it will have become second nature, perhaps a badge of honour. Shapeshifting can feel like a strength. Your ability to switch identities, alter the tone of your voice or know just how to behave in any setting can feel like you have nailed it.
While your mind is focused on continually looking externally for cues about how you need to show up, your nervous system remains under load. It is always wired for action and alert to the environment.
These mental and physical loads often mean that your internal compass does not stand a chance of being noticed. You may think you are achieving and on course to fulfil your potential but be unaware of the havoc your shapeshifting continues to create.
Shapeshifting does not create firm foundations on which to build your self worth. This is because it is constantly changing who you are. You may think you know where you are heading but I bet you are not truly grounded in your own values. Because how can you be when you are dancing around to the tune of others.
The accumulated distance between you and your shapeshifting self is often stuffed with low self-esteem, perfectionism and not being able to back yourself. Shapeshifting is like a tethered helium balloon bouncing around but never seeming securely grounded. You may keep showing up and doing the self-development work but is it truly in service of yourself or others?
Creating solid ground
Unravelling shapeshifting and learning to create a solid identity for yourself takes time. It is a process of discovery as you reconnect to your essence and begin operating in life from the basis of your own values. Becoming comfortable with not filling the gaps in relationships takes practice.
But this can be such a magical and rewarding journey too. Connecting back to who you were before you started shifting yourself can bring a lightness and ease that you may have been searching for a long time.
If any of this resonates, shapeshifting is one of the key signs of the fawn response. You can find my posts about fawning below.
Fawning and Burnout – When Being Accommodating Backfires at Work
Why Trying to Orchestrate Events and Other People is Keeping You Trapped
