Book Recommendation
Fawning: Why the need to please makes us lose ourselves and how to find our way back. Dr. Ingrid Clayton, 2025
How I found it
I came across this book via an interview with Dr. Ingrid Clayton in the British Psychological Society‘s members magazine. It was a genuinely exciting moment. Just from that article, I knew instinctively it was a valuable book and ordered it immediately. I had heard about the fawn response of course, but it has always been very much the poor relation to the other three trauma responses. Reading about the different ways fawning behaviour can present in the article was so reminiscent of what I have experienced myself and witnessed with clients.
What it’s about
‘Fawning’ is, I understand, the first book dedicated to the fawn response written by a therapeutic practitioner. It’s a comprehensive introduction to what it is, how it shows up and why its traits are often not understood as the response to complex relational trauma they are.
Dr Clayton shares generously about her own experience together with accounts about her clients. These real-life illustrations are likely to create a visceral and uncanny knowing for anyone who has experienced fawning themselves.
The book successfully navigates and names the myriad of ways in which the fawn response both shows up and stays hidden which is not an easy feat. It covers why this happens and how through unfawning, individuals can uncover their true selves.
Why I’m recommending it
The book is extraordinary. It’s mind blowing. Like being seen for the first time, that finally someone has given you the inside track to who you are. It generates a sense of ‘oh my goodness, how does she know?’ and ‘I had no idea that all of this was linked’. Though, as Dr Clayton shares she took a long winding journey to realise this herself.
It may be distressing for some readers to process initially. This is because it shines a spotlight on so many different aspects of the fawning experience it can be hard to comprehend at first. In doing so, it has the capacity to throw so much of what you thought about yourself into question. For example, the different aspects of your emotional and behavioural responses such as perfectionism, anxiety or eating issues might suddenly have a very different meaning.
But alongside this there will be elements of relief. If you are a fawner, it will shine light into many corners which you may have thought no one could see and help you make sense of so much of yours feelings and behaviours.
It has also had a significant impact on my counselling practice. It has helped me to help others by deepening my understanding of the traits that show up so consistently in the people I work with.
Who should read it
It would not be a stretch to say that anyone who is interested in mental wellbeing should read this book.
The fawn response is hard to spot because it has flown under the radar for so long. But if you have experienced or relate to any of the following, it will definitely be worth your time:
- Perfectionism
- Perennially feeling stuck no matter how hard you strive
- Feeling like you are not being authentic in your life
- People pleasing or shape shifting
- Being the victim of bullying or narcissistic behaviour
- Repeated patterns in relationships that reflect those in your childhood family life
- Conflict avoidance
- Feeling unseen
- Having done years of therapy but still feeling like there are unresolved issues you can’t quite put your finger on
This book will also be invaluable for anyone working in therapy, healthcare or education. I’ve found it invaluable in my own practice. It’s a helpful reference for understanding many patterns which might be misunderstood or wrongly labelled.
A note
If this book sounds relevant to you, it’s worth knowing that reading it may stir things up. It has the capacity to challenge long-held beliefs about yourself and throw light on patterns you may not have examined before. I say this not to put you off – it’s one of the most important books I have ever read – but because I want you to open it with awareness.
You may want to read it at a time when you have a little more space in your life to process what comes up, or alongside therapeutic support if that feels right for you.
