The clients I see in my counselling practice have often been striving for a long time before they come to see me. They have goals for themselves or perhaps a sense that they could be achieving more but despite their best endeavours, there’s always a sense that they can’t quite move forward.
I liken it to having a handbrake on. Not perhaps fully on but that sense that the brake hasn’t been fully released when you’ve set off on your journey. The sense that something is feeling stuck, but you can’t figure out what it is. Or that whatever it is that’s causing the issue is just out of reach of your awareness
What does feeling stuck actually feel like?
The most common sign of the handbrake I see is low mood. It is not necessarily a consistent depression, rather it’s a sense of intermittent regular bouts of low mood. The kind that makes you feel like ‘oh I’m back here again’. It’s damn frustrating because just when you think you might have shaken it off, it can show up again.
It can feel like you haven’t fulfilled your potential. You work hard, have an active life, devote time to personal development – but it still feels like there’s more you can achieve. It’s a nagging sense that despite your commitment to the cause, it never quite gets the results you seek.
Having more self-awareness doesn’t stop the itch. It doesn’t matter how many self-help books you read or inspiring podcasts you listen to the grip of the handbrake remains. There’s a sense of having a serviced car ready for the journey but there’s an issue you can’t find.
What keeping your handbrake on?
There is a myriad of issues that could be keeping your handbrake on but here’s a few things that it might be.
You’re on alert for danger
Driving when you are tense is a really different experience to when you feel relaxed and it’s no different with ourselves. When our nervous system is stuck on alert mode, it is hard to completely be ourselves. Often, I see how people with complex trauma, or prolonged stress, are striving because they don not fundamentally feel safe.
This may feel crazy when you think you’re safe in day-to-day life, but your nervous system has a different opinion behind the scenes. And its constant craving for safety can be the handbrake that keeps you repeating patterns that no longer serve you.
Your inner critic talks you out of change
Self-criticism gets in the way of change. You may not be aware that your critical self-talk is actually a handbrake.
It can feel like a motivator but the ways in which you are berating yourself might actually be holding you back rather than driving you forwards. This is because the inner critic is typically focused on reining you in rather than encouraging to make change.
This might seem counterintuitive but try listening to your self-talk for a week and think about whether it is holding you back or encouraging you.
Perfection gets in the way of change
Self-help books are a perfectionist’s dream. A constant supply of material which can motivate them to be even more focused on an ideal outcome.
But the sneaky thing about perfectionism is that it actually holds you back. It involves lots of self-criticism, procrastination and worrying other people at the expense of yourself.
So, whilst you might hail your perfectionist tendencies as the thing that is going to keep propelling you forwards, you might be mistaken. If perfection is your goal, it is always going to be out of reach. No matter how hard you strive.
You don’t believe in yourself
It can feel like you have self-belief in aspects of your life but if we really dig under the surface, how firm are those foundations?
Striving towards the future creates a sense of do-ing. It feels like action. But if your sense of self-worth is on the floor, you’re going to feel like the handbrake is on. Low self-worth will always stop you fundamentally believing that you can fulfil your potential, despite everything you try to do
How to start freeing the handbrake
Check what you really want
The issue with striving over several years for self-betterment is that you can forget what you are striving for.
If take time to really consider what is important to you, you may find you are striving for the wrong things. Or caught up in something you thought you wanted but in reality, do not.
A good starting point can be to check in with your what your values are. Do you know what is important to you? If not, devote time to figure that out. From there you will have some great points of reference to base your goals on.
Turn down the external noise
Modern life makes it easy to be bombarded with other people’s opinions – whether that is in person or via online channels. This makes it easy to have your head turned with things you think you ‘should’ be doing.
I find that ‘shoulds’ can keep you firmly stuck. They thrive in holding bays. Change your language from ‘should’ to ‘am’ and notice what happens with your to-do list.
Work on relaxation
Becoming better at relaxing can help you ease the handbrake. This can be controversial with my clients who think they need more effort rather than less, but this shift can create change.
When your nervous system has been on high alert for many years, it is going to take time for it to learn how to calm down. This means initially it may be hard to relax but that is all the more reason to focus on doing so.
Start small with one small change. Add in one thing during your week which helps you clear your mind and feel calmer. These are habit changes which I see help create momentum with my clients.
Pause to understand how to move forward
It can actually be a relief to figure out that you have the handbrake on. That there are reasons why you are struggling to move forwards, despite all your efforts. In many cases, the handbrake has been there for good reason – a response to something difficult, a way of protecting yourself.
What I find is that to release the handbrake, it’s necessary to pause. To take a break from trying harder. Just like taking your car to the garage to get the issue looked at. It is about looking at what is holding you back, rather than why you are unable to move forward.
When you pause, you can start to understand the issues and that is where change can happen.
Sometimes it can take another pair of eyes to help you find out where the issue is. If you suspect your handbrake might be on, you do not have to figure out the issue alone.
