Self-comparison is a natural part of life. As humans, we’re designed to be with others and thinking about how we measure up to those around us is part of the process.
But self-comparison can work against us. And the negative impact of comparing yourself to others is something I talk to clients about in my counselling practice room all the time.
Although it can be more prevalent in my conversations with younger clients, it isn’t limited by age and shows up across the board. Self-comparison is especially common alongside some of the key areas I work with including low self-esteem, perfectionism, disordered eating and body image.
Who we compare ourselves with
In a connected world where we can see into an unfathomable range of different lives, the pull to compare ourselves is intense. However, I find there are key areas of comparison that show up frequently in my conversations with clients.
Friends – It’s understandable that self-comparison shows up predominantly in our close circle. Whilst we choose our friendships, there can also be a strong element of competition especially across different personalities and where friends jostle for position in the group. It can also be an environment where issues such as body image and eating patterns are both openly discussed and scores are innocently kept.
Fellow students and colleagues – The performance focus of educational and work environments means they are places where self-comparison can thrive and help create long-standing issues that develop and deepen over the years. This can be tough because of the close and regular contact you have with others in these situations. Comparison can also be more difficult when you’re looking at the performance and behaviour of people your own age and for some, seeing what those younger than them are achieving can be triggering.
People online – Self-comparison to people online is very much a part of life today. It especially comes up in my work as a trigger around body image and appearance but also around diet rules and lifestyle ideals. However, I do find that people often know that online comparison is skewed and that doomscrolling can exacerbate it so this can be a more rational awareness than other comparisons. This doesn’t necessarily make it easier, but it can provide some helpful perspective.
Your own perception – This might be less obvious but bear with me. Often, it’s not a specific person you’re comparing yourself to. Rather it’s a version of you that you think you should be. This is an idealised image of yourself that might be more successful, slimmer, fitter, smarter, fill in the gap… It’s an imagined person built from borrowed ideas of what success looks like.
Where it starts
For some people, having an issue with self-comparison might stem from childhood. It may have been ignited by a critical parent who compared you to a sibling, a cousin or a family friend. It may have inadvertently arisen as a consequence of not being in the spotlight at home because a sibling got more attention or a narcissistic adult needed the limelight.
But often self-comparison develops during school days. The education system with its emphasis on performance can be a real catalyst. Grades, sport and creativity are all measured and this can be where the awareness starts to flourish. Then at secondary school, comparing to yourself physically to others can really show up as the emphasis on appearance increases. This is especially to others of the same sex e.g. girls comparing themselves to other girls. Being part of a group also becomes more important at this time. Did you want to be in the cool gang, the swotty gang, the sporty gang or the musical gang?
What it does to you
When self-comparison is working against you, it’s ever present and intense. At worst, it dominates day to day. You agonise over what to wear and how you come across. You worry constantly about your actions, your words and what you’re eating.
One area which I see clients really struggle with is social plans. They can be a hotbed for comparison. Social gatherings can be especially hard where food is involved because you can feel that your choices and a perceived lack of discipline are under the spotlight. Some people start to avoid them altogether.
Over time self-comparison can create stress and anxiety together with negative self-talk that feeds other unhelpful habits. Shame and embarrassment can follow, along with resentment when things seem to come easily to others. This loop of emotions if left unchecked can further increase anxiety or lead to low mood.
Measuring yourself against someone you’re not
One of the key things I do with clients for whom self-comparison is detrimental is help them unravel some of the thinking behind their comparisons. It’s very often the case that they are comparing themselves to someone who is a very different personality type, who has different talents or who is a completely different build.
One of the common issues I work with is introverted clients comparing themselves to extroverts. Pretending to be an extrovert when you’re not can be tough and come at a real cost to your confidence and sense of self. It can take you far from your true self.
Another example I see that can have far-reaching consequences is comparing yourself to someone with a different body type. Genetics, frame and hormones can all impact our physical make-up and make it impossible to be exactly like someone else no matter how hard we exercise or focus on our diet.
Trying to be someone you’re not is exhausting.
Noticing the part it plays
Self-comparison is natural and if you feel it’s working against you, it’s very common. It often goes hand in hand with low self-esteem, perfectionism, poor body image and eating issues.
Things can begin to shift when you start to recognise the impact it’s having on your day-to-day life and the role it plays in keeping those bigger issues going.
Sometimes, when it comes down to it, you’re comparing yourself to someone or something you don’t really want. Or to something that, even if you had it, wouldn’t solve the underlying issue.
I’ve written other posts about ways to step back from comparison, the fear of being judged, and masquerading as an extrovert which you may also find interesting.
