In my previous post, I discussed the power of the way we speak to ourselves. Following on from this, I wanted to focus on one word in particular – ‘should’.
It’s a word I hear and talk about frequently in my counselling practice, especially with people who are challenged by their perfectionism or low self-esteem. It’s often followed by a phrase about how they should be thinking or behaving differently.
Why ‘should’ is so damaging
It disconnects you from the present
‘Shoulds’ make it hard for us to stay in the present moment. The term ‘the tyranny of the shoulds’, devised by the psychoanalyst, Karen Horney, gives an explanation for this. The tyranny she described is that ‘shoulds’ keep us split between our true and our idealised selves1. It means that we are forever trying to remedy what we think needs fixing about ourselves rather than being content in the moment.
It’s rarely about what you really want
‘Shoulds’ rarely come from a place of true personal intent. They more commonly stem from external rules or expectations which have been internalised. I often see how this means people are measuring themselves against someone else’s rules and disconnected from what they truly want.
It reinforces shame and inadequacy
The thing that is inherent in ‘should’ is the message that you’re failing. For someone with a perfectionist’s high standards or the insecurity of low self-esteem, this serves to reinforce their feelings of shame and inadequacy.
It’s relentless
Another problem with ‘should’ is that it creates a relentless dialogue. You can’t outrun them because there’ll always be another one lining up to replace the last. They also create demands on yourself which are unrealistic. This can create an intensity that fuels anxiety. It can make you doubt yourself and become hypersensitive to criticism.
It kills self-compassion
I might also go as far as saying that ‘shoulds’ can kill not just self-compassion but also self-awareness. This is due to what Karen Horney called ‘the amazing blindness of the shoulds’2. They are not only relentless but frequently so demanding that the individual loses touch with the reality of what’s possible and what’s in their best interest. They create a narrative which reinforces shame and makes it impossible for ‘should’ and self-kindness to coexist.
It keeps you stuck
A common issue amongst my clients is that ‘shoulds’ keep them stuck in a tortuous present. We often discuss how they are ‘should-ing all over the place’! The tyranny, the relentless-ness, and the blindness of ‘should’ means they can get stuck in a loop of self-criticism that holds them back.
Where ‘shoulds’ come from
‘Should’ is the language of the inner critic, not the inner friend.
They come from:
– Family expectations
– Cultural programming
– Perfectionism – the imagined standard you ‘should’ meet
– Comparison – ‘they’re doing X, so I ‘should’ too’
A helpful exercise
Something that can be helpful in the first instance is to take a sheet of paper and create three columns titled:
- What I should be doing
- What I am doing now
- What I’d like to do next
Record your thoughts under each heading. Don’t worry if the longest list is under the first column – that’s what I’d expect at this point.
Take some time to think about your ‘shoulds’ and consider if there are any you could put to one side. Focus on what you are currently doing and whether, by taking a small action, you could move a ‘should’ to something you’re doing.
Get curious about the origin of your ‘shoulds’ and what you actually want or need. It may be hard to find things for column three at this time. But it’s helpful to have this as something to aim for because it’s future focused.
‘Shoulds’ can keep us stuck in a narrative which is not serving us. This week, why don’t you start by noticing how often you use ‘should’ and be curious about how you could bring it into the present instead.
1,2 Horney, K. (1950). Neurosis and Human Growth: The Struggle Toward Self-Realization. W. W. Norton & Company.
