The absence of praise can have a significant impact on the course of a person’s life. They won’t always be aware of it. In fact, whether it’s the British sensibility or not, many people don’t ever expect it. Praise can be the last thing that they are seeking.
And it’s not simply about shying away from the spotlight. There can be an awkwardness about the concept of praise. Whilst this can be especially the case if someone is naturally more introverted or highly sensitive to their environment, it goes much further than that.
Without understanding the value of praise in setting the groundwork for your self-worth, it can become a complete blind spot. An alien concept. Or one that you reserve only for others.
But praise can help to provide a secure foundation for a person’s self-worth, And a secure self-worth is one of life’s great gifts.
What praise actually does
Balanced praise isn’t about receiving gushing compliments or constant positivity. Instead, it provides a signal that what’s been achieved is encouraged and supported.
This is about someone seeing what you have done and acknowledging your efforts. It proves that you’ve been seen. It delivers evidence that what you’ve achieved is worthwhile.
Praise becomes balanced when it’s delivered in an open and accessible manner. It sets a tone that shows your whole self is welcome.
Knowing you will be met with this constant approach can help you to meet challenges when they arise. Trusting that if you struggle in a particular area or have a bad experience, there will be people there to see what’s happening and support you is important for your self-worth. It says that you are welcome to be yourself. Your full self – including the parts that struggle – not just the parts that perform.
Two adult patterns
There are a couple of patterns I regularly see in clients who have had an absence of praise in their lives.
The first I’ll call the ‘resigned’ type. For these people, praise is not even on their agenda. They’re likely to have had a string of experiences in childhood and adolescence where they inadvertently received the opposite of praise. They were met with unfair criticism, bullying, demanding adults, not just from family but at school and amongst their peers. They learnt that praise was something that wasn’t accessible to them.
Because of this, they shut the door on the possibility of it being something they would ever receive. They expect to remain unseen or overlooked.
The second pattern I’ll call ‘covert seeker’. These people are hunting for praise even if they don’t realise it. This is the pattern where people pleasers, shapeshifters and fawners can show up.
In their early years, they discovered that they felt safer when they were responding to the needs of others. They might have been gaslit, scapegoated or had narcissistic people around them. They probably witnessed praise being given to other people – siblings, parent or self-administered by the narcissist(s) – but it was never available for them.
As adults they can be still searching for this praise even if it’s out of their awareness. The people pleasing, shape shifting and fawning are all signs they are still seeking the validation that praise can provide.
What I see in both the resigned and the covert seeker, is that they have been operating on foundations that are not secure. They have often become very independent as a result. But the reality is their self-sufficiency is often getting in the way of the acceptance they’ve been lacking.
Ending your search
Without balanced praise, children learn early that only certain parts of them are acceptable. The adult patterns that follow can stop you expecting to be seen at all or mean you covertly seek out the validation that you never found.
If any of this post hits a nerve with you, it may help to know these patterns are natural responses to environments where you did not receive balanced praise and support.
As adults, it can take a leap of faith to try something new but recognising you can stop searching for the praise that never arrived may be a turning point in changing the patterns which have prevented you from fulfilling your potential.
Additional posts you may find relevant:
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking
Why the Clients I See are Typically Introverts
Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves and How to Find Our Way Back
