Comparison can create a log jam in your relationship with yourself. Does it show up when you’ve been scrolling on Facebook or LinkedIn? That person you went to school with who’s now doing sooooooo much better than you are in life. Perhaps you were at a party recently where your friend was showing off a new look and you immediately felt bad about yourself.
Or maybe it’s an echo of childhood when you were constantly compared to a family member or other kids at school.
It’s natural to experience comparison, but when it’s showing up on a regular basis, it can create a kind of log jam between you and your sense of self-worth.
Why we compare
Psychologist Leon Festinger identified in 1954 that we naturally compare ourselves to others as a way to evaluate our own worth and abilities. This is called social comparison theory1, and it’s a normal human tendency.
But there’s a difference between upward comparison – comparing ourselves to people we see as ‘better’ – and downward comparison – comparing to those we see as ‘worse off’. Upward comparison can sometimes motivate us, but more often, especially when it’s continual, it leaves us feeling inadequate and not good enough.
How comparison steals self-kindness
It shifts your focus outward
Comparison is all about the external. And when you become outwardly focused, it can be easy to lose your bearings. When your benchmark is based on other people and your perception of how you differ from them, you can get swept off course and lose track of your values and what’s important to you. Your self-worth can become relative rather than intrinsic.
It’s never a fair comparison
Context is usually missing from comparison. You don’t see the full picture when you’re viewing someone’s highlight reel. It’s just a highlight which misses out the messy behind-the-scenes reality of life and all its ups and downs. In other examples, you will often be comparing your weaknesses to someone else’s strengths – and that’s never going to be a winning formula.
Social media amplifies it exponentially
Social media is a comparison honeypot. Algorithms serve up images that keep you engaged, which means your comparison keeps going. It’s often a sea of curated perfection which sets up the ultimate ‘everyone else has it together’ trap. And instead of focusing on your own values and compass of self-worth, followers and likes become the metrics of worth.
Recent research by psychologist Jonathan Haidt shows the profound impact social media has on mental health, particularly for young people2. The constant access to others’ highlights reels, combined with the addictive nature of scrolling, has created what he calls an ‘epidemic’ of anxiety and depression. Studies on Instagram and body image, such as Alfonso-Fuertes et al.3, consistently show that the more time people spend comparing themselves on social media, the worse they feel about themselves.
The comparison trap isn’t just amplified by social media, it’s sustained by it.
Perfectionists and people pleasers
Comparison is something I regularly discuss with clients. Perfectionists are particularly vulnerable to comparison because their markers of worth are usually based on external validation and meeting standards which they set against external markers. I also frequently talk about comparison in relation to clients’ career issues, historic messaging, body image markers and measures of success.
Many of my clients are people pleasers and shape shifters, and so comparison has run deep as a point of reference and a way to keep themselves safe.
Focusing your attention on self-friendship
Comparison can take you out of your own life and mean you lose connection with what’s truly important to you. When you’re constantly measuring yourself against others, it makes it very difficult to be kind to yourself.
It can take time to untangle yourself from the web of comparison. A good starting point is simply to notice when you’re doing it.
Get curious about what need the comparison is trying to meet. It might be reassurance, direction, or validation.
Consider why you have this need and what you actually want and value. Test whether what you think you want is actually accurate. Taking some time to get clear on what your core values are can be really helpful.
Back yourself by being your own cheerleader more often. This can strengthen your resolve and help you gain perspective on your own strengths and successes.
Take some time to curate your social media intentionally. Some clients have told me how helpful it has been to unfollow accounts which made comparison more likely.
Reducing comparison can make a huge difference in your friendship with yourself. If you know comparison has become an issue for you, finding ways to dial down the external noise, can help you get your own bearings again.
1 Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison processes. Human Relations, 7, 117–140. https://doi.org/10.1177/001872675400700202
2 Haidt, J., & Rausch, Z. (2026). Social Media Is Harming Young People at a Scale Large Enough to Cause Changes at the Population Level. https://www.anxiousgeneration.com/research/HaidtRausch_WHR_2026_Jan14.pdf
3 Alfonso-Fuertes, I., Alvarez-Mon, M. A., Sanchez-del-Hoyo, R., Ortega, M. A., Alvarez-Mon, M., & Molina-Ruiz, R. M. (2022). The time spent in Instagram is associated with greater dissatisfaction with body image, lower self-esteem and greater tendency to physical comparison among young adults in Spain: an Observational Study (Preprint). JMIR Formative Research, 7(1). https://doi.org/10.2196/42207
