Many people quietly feel the pressure to make everything perfect over the festive season. And if you’re already a perfectionist, this can be a particularly challenging time.
There is the internal checklist of needing to give the perfect gift, prepare the perfect menu and orchestrate the perfect atmosphere, not just for Christmas Day but for the whole of the holidays.
As there’s already a lot of hype an expectation at this time of year, the emotion toil it can take is a significant one. It shows up in the tension from constantly being on edge, self-criticism and overwhelm. It can lead to exhaustion when you are likely to already be tired after the year that’s about to end.
Christmas as a human experience, not a performance
The festive season can be built up to be treated as a major test of endurance. The pressure seems, in some ways, to grow year on year as the run up starts earlier in November than it used to.
But actually, the holidays are simply a cluster of moments between imperfect people. In your mind, you may be choregraphing a flawless days-long event, but the goal is connection and presence.
So much of perfectionism is in our minds. The people who love us won’t realise all the hours you’ve painstakingly put into preparations – they just want to be with us.
Can you let one thing be ‘good enough’?
At this stage in December, large scale change would be too much for a perfectionist. But choosing one thing that can be ‘good enough’ can feel tangible and manageable.
Here’s some a few suggestions.
– Simplify present wrapping e.g buy gift bags instead of wrapping everything.
– Buy fewer gifts
– Use shop-bought food for certain meals to reduce the pressure to cook and encourage others to help with preparing them
– Say no to something that you always find difficult or which stretches you too thin.
There tend to be a lot of traditions and rituals around this time of year but that doesn’t mean they can’t change for one year. Choosing to alter something that you know is a major stressor for you can be relieving.
Many sensitive, conscientious people have an ‘inner host’
There’s nothing wrong with this, but this time of year may highlight how it shows up and the strain it causes you. Many sensitive, conscientious people have an “inner host”, the part of us organising, anticipating, and worrying about how everything will go.
Research shows this mental load isn’t evenly shared. A study by the Universities of both Bath and Melbourne found that women carry about 71% of household cognitive labour even when also working outside the home1 . This is the planning, coordinating and remembering that keeps life ticking along. and which can ramp up during the festive season. This invisible labour can contribute to stress, emotional fatigue, and overwhelm.
It may be helpful to try and catch yourself when you feel stress about festive arrangements. Perhaps ask yourself, ‘is this all necessary, or is this my inner host showing up?’.
We can thank the inner host for its efforts but also remind it that we deserve to enjoy ourselves too. It can be helpful to question if you are ‘people pleasing’ and remember that whatever we do, we are not responsible for how others feel or behave.
Factor in a few rituals to ground you
To help you through the weeks ahead, could you create some new traditions of your own for yourself?
I know this can be an extremely busy time and you may feel like you haven’t got any time to yourself. But actually taking even a few minutes to do something to help yourself can make a difference.
Here’s a few suggestions:
– Take three slow breaths before guests arrive
– Step outside for a couple of minutes of fresh air
– Pause to notice something beautiful or comforting
– Reach out someone via text or message when things feel tense
– Try to find the funny side if something goes wrong
– Keep a favourite warm drink to hand to steady the nervous system
Allow your perfectionist to have mixed feelings
Whilst there’s pressure for the festive season to be one of joy it’s OK if you:
– Feel joy and sadness
– Love Christmas but struggle with certain dynamics
– Feel overwhelmed
– Need space or rest
– Think things feel different this year
Show up as you are alongside the imperfect rest of us
The festive season doesn’t need you to perform to the best of your abilities. You’re allowed to show up just as you are, alongside the imperfect rest of us human beings.
Where can you allow things to unfold as they are this festive season? Being present, finding the humour in little things that don’t go as planned, and small acts of kindness matter far more than perfection.
This year, may you offer yourself the same warmth you try to offer everyone else.
1 Weeks, A. C., & Ruppanner, L. (2024). A typology of US parents’ mental loads: Core and episodic cognitive labor. Journal of Marriage and Family. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.13057
