Over the years I’ve become a keen observer of how people talk about what they wear and the rules that govern how they dress. It is usually the case that their comments and observations are rooted in a critical standpoint rather than a joyful or neutral one.
The changing room
Some years ago, I worked in a clothing store. It gave me valuable insight into different behaviours and self-esteem in relation to what people wear. I assisted people at the changing room who felt apprehensive and awkward. I spoke to others who refused to try things on in store. More still who dismissed their appearance and the idea of feeling good in their clothes.
Additionally, I saw how people could be very closed about what they would consider trying on. How they could have a very narrow view of themselves and what clothes would work for them. I also saw people bat away compliments about something they were trying on. Their awkwardness around positive messages was compelling. It often meant they played safe with purchases rather than choosing the item which made them shine.
It made me realise how multi-faceted our feelings about clothes can be and how complicated the relationship with clothes really is. The loudest voice in the shop was often someone’s inner critic.
What the inner critic actually says
The words that people use to talk about themselves and their bodies often almost shock me with their severity. Phrases like ‘I look gross’, ‘I’m such a fat cow’, ‘I am disgusting’ and ‘I hate how I look’ are just the beginning. And they are so often spoken instantaneously.
By that I mean that they are someone’s immediate default. There’s no pausing to think involved, just an instant dismissal and criticism of their body. It is such a gauge of how they feel about themselves and their self-worth. Words used that they would never choose to describe someone else.
I also notice there are a lot of preconceived or fixed ideas about what people think is acceptable for them to wear. This ironically can keep them stuck in an uncomfortable rut.
The inner critic in disguise
Self-deprecating comments like ‘there’s no way I could wear that’, ‘I’d look ridiculous’ or ‘I don’t want to be on show’ may be less sharp and more humorous than what someone says about their body. They are often socially rewarded and create an environment in which women especially can bond.
But whilst it may be harder to spot, this is still the inner critic; it’s just hiding in plain sight.
The critic in the wardrobe
When the inner critic is the one choosing what we wear, it doesn’t just focus on how our bodies look, it writes the rules of what we’re allowed to wear.
‘Hide that part, it looks awful’. ‘You can’t wear that at your age’. ‘If you wear that, everyone will be looking at you’. Regardless of how many clothes you have in your wardrobe, what you wear gets edited down before you begin to get dressed. The clothes you end up wearing are the ones the critic has signed off for use.
Over time not only does the number of clothes you wear from your wardrobe shrink but also your sense of self. Your self-esteem reduces. Your confidence in your choices is dialled down. Getting dressed becomes a daily exercise in damage limitation rather than expression.
What the critic does to the body
All the critical, self-deprecating phrases people use to describe their body and clothes effectively reinforce what they think and believe about themselves. They help someone generate evidence that indicates they are not worth treating with care and compassion. And because this negative self-talk is so prevalent – and in keeping with society’s most dominant body ideals – rather than being challenged, it becomes reinforced by external messaging.
Part of what makes the critic so exhausting is that it never lets us be where we are. It keeps the focus forward. On how to look better next time, what to do differently, what to lose, what to fix. It never says ‘let’s think about the outfits that fit my body now and make me feel my best’. It can’t. Because being present in the body we actually have is precisely what the critic forbids.
This keeps people more detached from their bodies and the reality of how they actually look. There is typically little in the way of reality check because the focus is usually on looking smaller, more perfect, or different to who they really are. People become unable to dress for the body they’re living in today.
Fuelled by low self-esteem, perfectionism and comparison, we remain locked in our minds whilst the reality of what our bodies look like in clothes can become distorted. Poor body image can develop and run riot. It’s not about dressing our bodies to feel good. Rather this relentless internal soundtrack is about punishing ourselves to feel worse.
