Studies show that extroversion scores correlate to openness to counselling1,2, but I see a different trend in my counselling practice.
Most of the clients I work with are more introvert and deal with similar challenges in their unique circumstances. These include the impact of a world focused on extroversion, being who they think they’re supposed to be, and adapting to situations which are not sympathetic to their quieter characters.
An active inner world
The introverts I see in my practice are curious people who have an active inner world. They’re frequently creative, sensitive to their environments, great listeners, driven and dedicated.
Often outwardly successful, internally they can be anxious, unable to relax, and feel life is hard despite their constant striving. They’ve spent years trying to fit into the extroverted world, feeling envious of those who can speak on their feet, and being disengaged with their true talents.
Extroverts are more likely to seek social support
It probably won’t come as much surprise that extroverts are more likely to seek social support than introverts2.
This makes some sense. By nature, the extrovert is typically happier to share their thoughts with the world. They’re more comfortable in a social environment. So, it follows that they will gain what they need from others in their social circle.
Introverts, especially those with low self-esteem and a tendency towards perfectionism, are more likely rely on themselves for support and be more comfortable speaking with trusted confidents.
The challenges of life in an extrovert world
Today’s society is very shout-y. In the age of social media and worshipping of influencers and celebrities, the focus is on the external and how much noise you can make.
This culture makes being introverted tougher. It’s expected you will share openly with the world and if that doesn’t come naturally to you it can feel challenging. That’s not to say the clients I see aren’t sociable, it just not natural for them to promote themselves.
This can mean they try to fly under the radar. It can cause discomfort in work situations where your efforts are overlooked compared to attention seeking colleagues. It can make it hard to walk into a lecture theatre where the same fluent individuals ask ‘smart questions’ and you dread being picked on to respond. Similarly, it can make marketing yourself really hard if you’re a self-employed introvert.
Many of these patterns didn’t start in the workplace. They go back much further than that.
The struggle of the quieter child
I’ve seen how introverted adults are still living with the challenges of being a quieter child at home and school. This may be due to feeling like an outsider compared to more gregarious siblings, inadvertently becoming the family scapegoat, being bullied at school, or having difficult experiences in friendship groups.
The residue of these experiences can lead to an inner world which has become rooted in the fawning or freeze response, low self-esteem, anxiety and perfectionism. As adults, they continue to carve out safety in the world by continuing the patterns that helped them cope with their childhood environment. It has been shown that more introverted individuals less likely to seek help quickly than extroverts4. This means these patterns may have been embedded for decades before someone comes to therapy.
Being more comfortable as an introvert
One of the things that I help clients with is identifying the positive aspects of their introversion. I’ve seen how introverts drive themselves to be more extrovert and how it sits at odds with their true character.
Our work is not to make them less sociable but to help them recognise where they are responding to their need to perform in this environment, rather than operating from one that better suits their personality. Returning to their own internal values, identifying where comparison and assumption are driving their behaviour, and being more congruent can help make life calmer and more positive.
If any of this strikes a chord with you, know that being quiet isn’t a flaw to be fixed. Introversion can feel like a disadvantage in a noisy world but it’s often where your real strengths live. Your depth, your listening, your capacity to think carefully before you speak.
The work I do with introverted clients isn’t about helping them become louder. It’s about helping them to trust themselves enough to stop feeling they need to be.
1,3,4 Amirkhan, J. H., Risinger, R. T., & Swickert, R. J. (1995). Extraversion: A “Hidden” Personality Factor in Coping?. Journal of Personality, 63(2), 189–212. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.1995.tb00807.x
2 Kakhnovets, R. (2003). Counseling is just not for people like me: : personality and expectations about counseling as predictors of help seeking attitudes /[Master’s thesis, Ohio State University]. OhioLINK Electronic Theses and Dissertations Center. http://rave.ohiolink.edu/etdc/view?acc_num=osu1732009886713605
