‘You’re so stupid’, ‘you look awful’, ‘you can’t do it’, ‘who do you think you are?’.
Do you recognise these sentiments? Do you use this kind of language to speak to yourself?
These are just a few examples of negative self-talk. The words we use when we speak to ourselves aren’t simply passing thoughts. They shape how we feel, they underpin our self-worth and ultimately, how we live our lives.
The origins of these words
A critical inner voice doesn’t emerge overnight. Instead, it’s built over time, often as a response to a range of different factors.
Childhood messages
When we’re little, our points of reference are typically family members, teachers and fellow pupils. At a young age, we are open and susceptible to what we hear from others and some of these words stick around. For example, a comment from a relative about our size, or a taunt by a bully about our appearance can become internalised as a truth about ourselves.
Internalised voices
Another impact of childhood might be internalised voices. By this I mean the inner voice you hear could be an echo of someone else. Over time and due to its intensity, some of your self-talk can happen outside of your conscious awareness. In my counselling practice, I often help clients explore where the tone of their self-talk came from. It’s common that the voice they hear is that of someone else, such as a parent or a critical authority figure from their past.
Culture and society
We are bombarded through the media, advertising, and society by a wide range of messages and expectations. Whether it’s norms about what an ideal body should be, narratives about who you need to be to be successful, or expectations about having children, among many other things, constant messages come our way. And if our self-worth is low or we hold ourselves to high standards, this noise can mean our self-talk becomes more demanding in response.
Trauma responses
If someone has been a victim of trauma, whether post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or complex trauma, the tone of their self-talk may have developed as a protector. For example, their inner voice might drive them to be a good people pleaser or to stay in the shadows, so they don’t take up too much space. Either way, it’s acting as a defence mechanism they have developed to keep them safe.
The power they hold
As I described in the first post in this series on being a friend to yourself, negative self-talk is regarded by many as crucial for success. People with low self-esteem, low mood or a background of trauma, can believe that the only way forward is to keep up this tone. They may not realise the detrimental impact it’s having.
The reality is that words are not simply a stick to beat ourselves with. Negative self-talk can activate your amygdala and turn on your stress response, which can over time have mental and physical impacts. It also has the power to alter our neural pathways.
Neuroscience shows us that our brains have something called neuroplasticity: the ability to form new neural pathways based on repeated thoughts and experiences. Every time you think ‘I’m not good enough’, you’re strengthening that neural pathway. Every time you berate yourself for a mistake, you’re making it easier for your brain to take you there again the next time.
It may be helpful to think of it like trying to walk through a field of long grass. The first time, you have to push a way through the grass. But when you walk the same path repeatedly, you create a clear trail. Your negative self-talk is creating well-worn paths in your brain that become your default routes.
Fortunately, neuroplasticity works both ways. In the same way that you’ve strengthened critical pathways through repetition, you can create new kinder ones. The starting point for this is to notice what you’re saying.
Our brains also have what Dr. Rick Hanson calls a ‘negativity bias’1. This is due to our evolutionary history and means critical words stick while kind ones are more likely to be forgotten. Studies show negative thoughts can be more common than positive ones by a ratio of 70% to 30%2. Understanding this helps us see why changing our self-talk takes conscious effort.
Becoming your own cheerleader
On Sunday, I invited my Instagram followers to notice the words they say to themselves and the tone they use. This is something I often do with clients. It may take a bit of practice to be consciously aware of your tone of voice. Many people are surprised to realise just how harsh they are with themselves and what the common themes are.
If you do this exercise, notice what the most prevalent messages are, whether they’re based in truth and what benefit they are providing.
Think about your friends and how they would respond. Good friends don’t remind you of every time you’ve failed or tell you you’re not good enough. Instead, they encourage you. They cheer you on and remind you of your strengths.
What would it be like to become your own cheerleader rather than your own worst critic? This doesn’t mean sugary-sweet language or pretending everything is fine when it isn’t. Instead, try thinking of it as giving yourself some kind encouragement. For example, what about replacing ‘you can’t do it’ with ‘come on, you can do this’. I’ve found that it can be helpful to think about the tone you use too. Using a warm, supportive tone can be a helpful way to counteract your default critical tone and start creating a new pathway.
Moving forward
Changing the way you speak to yourself isn’t easy because the patterns are ingrained, but it’s really beneficial. Awareness is the first step. Notice the words, question where they came from. Ask yourself: ‘Is this true? Is this kind? Is this helpful? And then, gently, practice speaking differently.
I recommend starting with one key phrase. You won’t be able to replace it perfectly to start with, but with practice you’ll find that you can swap it more often than before.
This is something you can then build on as your brain creates new pathways to kinder self-talk.
1 Hanson, R. (2010). Confronting the Negativity Bias. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/your-wise-brain/201010/confronting-the-negativity-bias [Accessed 09/02/2026]
2 Cacioppo, J. T., Cacioppo, S., & Gollan, J. K. (2014). The negativity bias: Conceptualization, quantification, and individual differences. Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 37(3), 309–310. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0140525X13002537
