The question ‘What would a good friend say to you right now?’ has become part of the culture. And even though it’s so well known, I still find myself regularly posing it to clients. It acts as such a valuable reflection prompt that I felt it deserves a whole blog post of its own.
Often, I pose this question after a client has described a scenario where I can see they’re stuck in a loop, or if the language they’ve been using is highly critical. These patterns may have been showing up regularly in our work together. There’s a myriad of different scenarios that crop up but my clients’ narrative usually centres around themes of self-criticism, high standards, and low self-worth.
The punishing words of the inner critic
Self-punishment shows up prominently in my counselling practice. I hear from kind, empathetic individuals about the thoughtful things they do for others, whilst they speak about themselves in harshly critical words. The pattern of self-criticism may stem from perfectionism, a history of being bullied, scapegoated or gaslit, or other coping mechanisms. Sometimes, this critical language seems like a badge of honour – that self-criticism is necessary to achieve results.
When asking clients how their words compare to how they treat a friend, I can be met with dismissive responses. They are familiar with the question ‘What would a good friend say to you?’ but can’t reach for an answer. This is because they’re used to treating themselves in a very different manner to how they would treat a friend.
Keeping an inner world to high standards
Their high standards of themselves may be so dependent on punishment, that there’s a disconnect from the idea they could treat themselves as they would a friend. There can even be a sense of disbelief that they could treat themselves with care.
I liken it to a kind of inverse Cinderella story. Instead of being kept in the position of the poor relation by others as Cinderella was by her sisters, the client is maintaining a subservient role themselves. This is completely understandable because the internal world they’ve created developed as a survival strategy often without them being fully conscious of it.
I support my clients to recognise where and how they overlook and underappreciate themselves. Together, we explore how to narrow the divide between the wonderful ways in which they treat others and the less friendly manner they treat themselves.
An invitation to befriending
So, here’s an invitation: What if you spoke to yourself like a friend would? What might you say? What helpful suggestions might you offer?
Perhaps you can give this some thought in the coming days. Try noticing what you say to yourself. Note down the themes and reflect on what they’re based on and whether they’re still serving you. Throughout February, I’ll be exploring more about befriending yourself, I hope you can join me.
