February is almost over, and as my month of posts about friendship draws to a close, it’s important to emphasise that friendship with yourself is not a straight line. Like any relationship, your friendship with yourself will have good days and bad. It’s not a linear process, and the skill is to learn how to stay flexible and grounded in yourself.
Setbacks will crop up
For anyone trying to change their behaviours and beliefs about themselves, old habits will creep back in, especially in the early stages. This month, I’ve written about the inner critic, the tyranny of ‘shoulds’, and the challenges of comparison, and these are all habits that are tough to change.
Especially if you’re a perfectionist, the ‘all or nothing’ trap might easily derail your efforts when a road bump appears. So, it’s important to not expect too much progress, too soon. This can be difficult to grasp when you’re finally clear about things you want to change after years of being ‘stuck’. But taking it slow, and understanding that you will have some tough days, will help you cope better with setbacks. It’s about rolling with the setbacks rather than letting them send you off course. or become evidence that you’ve failed.
The importance of small acts of kindness
Being kind to yourself is hard to do initially if you’ve had a history of being your own worst enemy. It will feel counterintuitive to do nice things for yourself or to allow yourself to rest. So, again, start small.
This isn’t about booking yourself on a 10-day retreat at a health spa. It’s about small, consistent actions and words compounding over time. It’s questioning a ‘should’, giving yourself some gentle encouragement, choosing not to say yes to a social event you’ll find draining, or enjoying a quiet half an hour with your new magazine.
These micro-moments of kindness matter more than the grand gestures and will help you create stronger foundations for more permanent change.
The power of rituals
Building self-friendship into your daily and weekly routine is key to sustaining change. I see this all the time with my clients. It’s the small things that they start including in their daily life which help them make changes to their mindset and behaviours.
Small rituals can be a really helpful way of building this consistency. It could be adding in a short walk in the morning, taking yourself on regular dates, catching up with friends more frequently, or adding in weekly preparation or reflection time.
Rituals can help make self-friendship a habit not just an intention. Examples of the rituals that help me maintain my friendship with myself include taking 10-20 minute walks, preparing nourishing meals and eating them without scrolling. These aren’t big, dramatic practices – they’re small, grounding moments that help me stay connected to myself.
Why it’s not just for February
As I said in the first post in this series, I believe the relationship with yourself is the most important of your life, so focusing on it is not just for February!
This month was a starting point, not a deadline. It can take time to start becoming your own friend, especially if you’ve spent years doing just the opposite. The narrative around your self-esteem, mood, body image, or drive for perfection, takes time to switch to a new story. Based on the principle of starting small, what’s one thing from this month you want to carry forward?
A few suggestions…
– Keep noticing when you use the word ‘should’ and why you’re doing so
– Be more mindful of being stuck in comparison mode and unfollow some of the accounts which you find most activating
– Be aware of the tone of voice you use when you speak to yourself, try a more compassionate one instead
– Take yourself on a couple of dates in March
– Keep checking in with your body and noticing if it’s trying to send you some messages you’ve been overlooking
I hope you’ve enjoyed this focus on being friends with yourself this month. Let’s move forward with being kinder to ourselves, which in turn impacts how we show up in the world around us.
