Harsh self-criticism is often regarded as a strength. I hear this regularly in my counselling practice. A defence of the inner critic as a motivator, the thing that keeps pushing you forward. But what if the voice doing the criticising isn’t even yours?
Common phrases usually emerge that may be symptomatic of how you think about yourself. ‘I’m such an idiot’, ‘You can’t make a mistake’ or ‘I can’t believe you’ve done that again’ are just a few examples.
What is the inner critic?
Everyone has an inner dialogue which monitors our activities and interactions, evaluates our behaviour and helps keep us safe in daily life. It’s natural that at times this internal voice can be negative in tone but for some people the level of criticism can escalate and become detrimental to their wellbeing.
On a practical level, the inner critic helps you to learn, make decisions and be accountable. It is part of how you keep your behaviour aligned with your values and social norms.
But when it becomes detrimental, it can be grounded in feelings of shame and low self-worth rather than self-coaching and growth. It takes on a harsher, more rigid tone. This can be relentless, constant and excessive. It can become out of proportion and disconnected from reality of the situation.
One reason why it’s so prevalent in my practice is that a harsh inner critic has been shown to contribute to key conditions I work with – low self-esteem, perfectionism, eating disorders and anxiety.
When does it become a problem?
There are a few words which I think can be helpful to keep in mind when considering if the inner critic has become problematic:
Harsh – the tone of the language is key here, think extreme words with no elasticity like ‘always’ and ‘never’
Rigid – the detrimental inner critic ignores nuance and context and is single minded and dismissive
Relentless – this inner critic has stamina and once it carves out its line of thinking doggedly sticks to it, regardless of evidence that an alternative would be more beneficial
Combative – although the individual may laud their inner critic, the reality is it’s always on the offensive, attacking their identity – think ‘I’m a failure’ vs ‘ that didn’t go so well’
Overall, I see how the detrimental inner critic becomes accepted as the truth by clients. A truth which keeps them in loops of shame, anxiety, procrastination and avoidance. But whose voice does it actually stem from?
Historical references uncover whose voice is it
In many instances, the inner critic is the individual’s own voice, but the voice of someone else may also have been internalised. It’s natural to absorb messages from key people in our life, especially as we develop during childhood or adolescence.
It can be astonishing how a client can instantly recall a specific comment from the past when we discuss historic messages. A comment by someone else which became the root for years of their own self-criticism.
Someone who has issues with body image and eating may give me the exact words spoken to them by a ‘well-meaning’ relative about their weight or appearance which planted the seed.
Perfectionists may describe an influential teacher who criticised their performance in front of the class. Or how a parent’s focus on achievement fuelled a fear of failure and ‘never enough’ narrative.
Perhaps, it’s the voice of the bully at school or a narcissistic ex-partner which drives the inner critic’s dialogue and fuels anxiety and a need to please.
It can be painful to realise how these historic comments have struck and caused so much harm. But tracing the voice back to someone in particular can help to identify where it began and what role it has played.
The inner critic as protector
It can be beneficial to understand how the inner critic often begins as a way to protect yourself.
Pushing yourself to behave ‘correctly’, achieve results, or please others are all examples which serve as coping mechanisms. And these mechanisms all made sense when they were first deployed. It was the way you found to look after yourself and because it worked you kept talking to yourself that way.
But it’s helpful to understand that now isn’t then. What was helpful to you at age 8 or 13, may be outdated, too restrictive or completely unnecessary. Your inner critic hasn’t realised the environment and your needs have changed. It’s still trying to help you but over time has become more of a punisher than a protector. Recognising these patterns can help to reduce shame and open up space for choice and change.
Practical reflections for understanding your inner critic
Taking time to reflect on how your inner critic is behaving, whose voice it’s using and what role it’s playing can be really useful.
- Become aware of tone and language
If your inner critic has become problematic, you may not be consciously aware of the tone and language it’s using. So, a good first step is to start becoming aware of the tone e.g. harsh, rigid, or shaming. Make a note of what phrases regularly repeat and what purpose they serve. Notice too how much breathing space the inner critic gives you.
- Notice who your critic sounds like
Next think about whether the critic always uses your voice or if it sounds like someone you’ve known. Think about whether one voice or multiple voices pop up and what messages they focus on. Notice what it feels like to realise the voice belongs to someone else and if anything shifts when you name it.
- Notice any triggers
If the inner critic is pretty relentless, it may feel like there aren’t specific triggers. So, take some time to notice what themes arise. Examples may include (fear of) failure, uncertainty, social situations, body image, etc.
- Explore its purpose
Think about the other voices you hear and when those messages started. What was going on for you at the time? What was your reaction to the person whose voice you can hear and why? How has your inner critic been trying to keep you safe?
- Consider whether it’s still needed
Think about the voice you hear from the context of your life now and play with new scenarios. For example, does it make sense to still be listening to the voice of a teacher you had when you were 13 years old? Is this voice helping you now? What might a kinder current voice say instead?
Creating space between you and the voice
It can take time and energy to wrestle with a detrimental inner critic, especially one who’s based on someone else. It requires commitment to thoroughly reflect and decide to reject another person’s voice.
The harsh inner critic is not your whole self. It’s a part of you which has been shaped by events and experience. When we start to challenge its benefit, we can start to create space for something new.
I always encourage people to consider their inner critic with curiosity, not criticism. It’s important to not add to the burden of shame and punishment but to come from a place of understanding.
When you begin to hear whose voice it actually is, something important shifts. It stops being the truth about you and starts being something that happened to you. And that distinction can change everything.
