The dialogue between your internal and external world can be exhausting. You might look like you have it together on the outside – great friend, successful at what you do, always reliable in whatever setting – but internally you’re drowning in self-doubt, comparison, and criticism.
What’s the toll of your confident exterior? Does it seem like a performance, disconnected from how you actually feel inside? Is there somewhere deep inside where you know you’re not showing up as your true self, but you don’t know how to change this?
This disconnect can be draining, especially if you’ve been operating like this for years. But gaining an understanding of why this disconnect exists and improving the quality of your internal relationship means you can start to show up more truthfully and your external world can become a better place.
The internal/external disconnect
What it looks like:
Externally: Saying yes to things you don’t want to do Internally: Feeling resentful and exhausted
Externally: Appearing confident and capable Internally: Constant self-doubt, overthinking and imposter syndrome
Externally: Being the friend everyone leans on Internally: Feeling unseen and unsupported by others
Externally: Achieving success. Internally: Never feeling it’s good enough
This split is a constant battlefield. It’s an incredibly frustrating place to be – like living in a double bind. Often, the perfectionist aspect means you’re striving to ensure you don’t get anything wrong, second-guessing everyone else’s needs, and ensuring no one knows what you’re really thinking. Meanwhile, your self-critic drives your narrative, low self-worth fuels your inadequacy, and the constant striving means you never feel like your feet are on solid ground.
How the internal shapes the external
Second-guessing yourself
When your internal voice is critical and doubtful, you:
– Overthink every decision
– Seek out external validation
– Struggle to trust your own judgment
– Miss opportunities because you’re too busy questioning yourself
Comparison mode
When you’re constantly measuring yourself against others internally, you:
– Can’t celebrate your own wins
– Feel chronically inadequate
– Shape-shift to fit what you think others want
– Lose touch with who you actually are
The inner critic running riot
When you’re harsh with yourself internally, you:
– Expect others to criticise you too, and sometimes create that reality
– Struggle to receive compliments or recognition
– Sabotage good things because you don’t feel worthy
– Assume others are judging you as harshly as you judge yourself
What changes when you improve your internal relationship
Better self-trust = Better decisions
When you trust yourself, you make clearer, faster decisions that align with your instincts. You don’t need constant internal analysis or external validation.
Less comparison = More truthful presence
When you’re not constantly measuring yourself against others, you can show up as yourself based on your integrity.
Kinder inner voice = Stronger boundaries
When you’re kind to yourself, it’s easier to set boundaries without guilt. You understand the importance of ensuring your needs are central to your decision making.
Better relationship with yourself = Better relationships with others
When you’re not at war with yourself, you have more capacity for genuine connection. You’re not constantly second-guessing everything or seeking reassurance.
Internal alignment = External confidence
Real confidence – not the performance kind – comes from internal alignment. Knowing yourself, trusting yourself, backing yourself.
The self-friendship lens
This month we’ve explored what it means to be your own best friend:
– Noticing how you speak to yourself
– Questioning your ‘shoulds’
– Turning away from comparison
– Listening to your body
– Taking yourself on dates
– Setting internal boundaries
All of this internal work changes how you show up externally.
When you’re on your own side, you:
– Make decisions more easily
– Set boundaries more clearly
– Show up more truthfully
– Trust yourself more deeply
– Need less external validation
– Have more energy for genuine connection
Change your inner voice, change your outer world.
Moving forward
The work of befriending yourself is internal. It can take time and support to make these changes. Often, they’re so embedded that it’s necessary for someone else to help you see the purpose of your internal narrative, why it’s not actually helping you and why it’s there in the first place. But small shifts can quickly add up, and awareness can start to create a calm you never thought could be possible.
Notice this week:
– How does your internal dialogue affect how you show up?
– What would change if you spoke to yourself like a friend?
– Where are you performing confidence vs. feeling it?
– What becomes possible when you’re not constantly second-guessing yourself?
The relationship with yourself is the foundation. Everything else builds from there.
