There are many benefits to being a perfectionist but the challenges perfectionism are some of the most common issues I work with in my counselling practice.
One thing I’ve discovered is that perfectionists are often not good friends to themselves. Here’s five ways in which perfectionism works against you, sabotaging your friendship with yourself.
1. Relentlessly high standards = Moving goalposts
It’s no surprise that perfectionists have high standards. But what’s not often discussed is that those high standards are relentless for both themselves and the world around them. This means they are constantly pushing for the next achievement whilst not acknowledging the one they’ve just reached.
Nothing ever feels good enough despite all their striving, agonising over decisions and research into self-improvement. And because of this, they never feel like they reach their goal and so celebrating achievement is an alien concept.
Perfectionists are only too happy to arrange the perfect drinks gathering to celebrate their friend’s promotion but they are unlikely to do it for themselves. This is probably because they think they should have achieved the promotion sooner, or that the achievement wasn’t good enough to warrant celebration.
In some respects, perfectionism isn’t about excellence – although there are lots of excellent things about perfectionists – it’s about pushing yourself towards relentlessly high standards because somewhere along the line you’ve felt like there’s a lack of something and you’re still trying to fill that void. The reality is that perfectionism is like a mirage you can never arrive at.
2. Being your own worst critic = Constant background noise
You don’t have to be a perfectionist to be critical of yourself. It’s just that perfectionists are always A grade standard at it.
The inner world of the perfectionist is like a busy newsroom. They’re always looking for the best angle on everything they’ve been doing wrong. They’ll also be unpicking the external scenarios around them for ways in which they can create a better narrative.
This is an astonishingly intense environment that only a perfectionist can make sense of. It’s the polar opposite of being your own best friend. Their constant self-monitoring and critiquing creates a massive energy drain that they’ll be dismissive of.
3. Pleasing others first = Self-abandonment
Despite the high standards they operate to, external validation can become the perfectionist’s compass. Perfectionists spend an enormous amount of time second-guessing the needs of others, shapeshifting to fit in and anticipating scenarios before they happen.
Because of this, they often become disconnected from their own needs. They lose touch with what they actually want, need and feel because they are continually preoccupied with those around them. This obsessive disconnect is the opposite of friendship. It’s closer to self-betrayal and that seems like an oxymoron because perfectionists spend so much time agonising over details but have a complete blind spot when it comes to their true selves.
4. Perfection as distraction = Avoiding the real work
The perfectionist’s world is a busy one, consumed with surface-level ‘fixing’. The positive aspects of perfectionism, such as drive and attention to detail, can become a prison if there’s not a healthy amount of concern for themselves.
The relentless need for achieving the standards they set and meeting the needs of others distracts them from addressing the root causes of their perfectionism. Underneath their compulsions often sit shame, trauma and unworthiness. The perfectionist may not even comprehend being kind to themselves because they regard being hard on themselves as the gold standard for achievement. It often takes something dramatic to bring a perfectionist to the counselling room.
5. No permission to rest = Running on empty
Taking time to rest often doesn’t make it onto a perfectionist’s to do list. For them, rest feels like failure or laziness.
Whereas they would be happy to facilitate someone else having rest, the perfectionist regards rest as a waste of time. Of course, rest would also give them space to think, and often I see how this space makes perfectionists uncomfortable. This is because whilst they’re busy, they can keep pushing the root causes of their issues down. Whereas space can cause emotions to bubble up and they can find that tricky.
But without rest, your body is constantly in stress mode. This can be why burnout can becomes inevitable for perfectionists who don’t look after themselves with care.
If you’ve recognised yourself in these five ways, know that you’re not alone. Being aware of how perfectionism sabotages your self-friendship is the first step. This Sunday, I’ll be sharing a simple practice to help you start noticing the patterns in your own life.
