I’ve become a firm believer that the most important relationship you can have is the one that you have with yourself. But so often, this relationship is a battleground rather than something we nurture and invest in.
Most of us would never speak to others the way we do to ourselves. It can sometimes be the case that all the positive things we do in our lives are for others whilst all the negative ones are saved for us. This may sound dramatic, but I see this regularly in my counselling practice and daily life. Plus, I used to be just the same.
What this battlegroud looks like
This battle can start early in the day. The first look in the mirror in the morning can be accompanied by some truly awful criticism about your appearance. Or you may avoid looking at your appearance completely.
Then comes the second guessing of your decisions. When you lack trust in your own judgment, it’s common to question many, if not most, of the decisions you make. And I’m not talking about big decisions like buying a new car. I’m talking about small everyday decisions like what to wear, which coffee to buy on the way to work, and when’s the right time to call someone.
Later in the day, may come the replay of conversations you’ve had. This is sure to create a busy mind. It could be how you responded to your mum when she called for a chat, how your boss questioned one of your decisions, or the tone of voice you used with the barista when you bought that coffee. A whole range of scenarios which you can use to criticise yourself and create worry and anxiety.
Why this relationship is different
You may be thinking that the most important relationships in your life are actually with your partner, children, wider family or friends. While these are all important relationships, the starting point for all of them is you.
You’re the cardinal point and the type of relationship you have with yourself can determine the quality of all the others. Plus, it colours your experiences in life. When you’re in conflict with yourself, everything can feel harder.
You may be thinking that it’s selfish or ‘woo woo’ to focus time on being kind to yourself or understanding yourself better, but it’s so important. Ultimately, creating significant changes in your life such as improving your self-esteem or body image is an inside job. You can look externally for help, advice and tips but real change comes when you back yourself.
The cost of a poor relationship with yourself
A poor friendship with yourself can lead to anxiety, burnout and disconnection from your body. People who pour more into others than themselves often find themselves in a cycle of poor mental and physical wellbeing because their nervous system is always on alert. This internal conflict drains your energy and makes even small tasks feel overwhelming.
It’s also common to feel ‘stuck’ and undecisive about what they want from life or to feel like life is passing them by.
An invitation for friendship
Here and on my Instagram account, February is about exploring what it might mean to call a ceasefire — to move from being your harshest critic and own worst enemy to becoming your own best friend.
On Thursday, I’ll be exploring how perfectionism can fuel this internal conflict and keep you focused on the external world.
