Perfectionism can feel like a really good friend. Your ally through thick and thin. The first thought that comes to you when you’re asked about your strengths. Perfectionism can be your badge of honour you wear with pride.
And it can definitely help you to get things done. The perfectionists I know are resourceful, determined, focused on their goals and often successful achievers. But have you ever asked yourself why you’re so focused on your high standards?
Perfectionism is one of the most common attributes amongst my clients. This means I get to see what sits behind the scenes and why it plays a key role in a person’s identity. From the outside, perfectionism looks like motivation. On the inside, it can feel very different.
What is perfectionism?
Perfectionism is something which is usually based on good intentions. It’s something that is learned, sometimes self-taught or actively encouraged by others. Whilst it can be a way of being, it’s also a coping strategy shaped by early experiences, societal expectations or internalised pressures.
At its healthiest, perfectionism can help us take pride in our work and pursue meaningful goals. But when it becomes tied to our sense of worth, it can start to limit rather than support us
The American Psychological Association’s definition of perfectionism focuses on the need to hold ourselves or others to ‘an extremely high or even flawless level of performance’ beyond what is necessary in a particular situation1 . They highlight how it is associated with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and other mental health problems.
In my work, perfectionism is also closely linked to low self-esteem, low self-worth and poor body image. Whilst some clients have high expectations of others, I find perfectionists are more often just expecting a lot from themselves. It’s usually their high expectations which are fuelling maladaptive thoughts, beliefs and behaviours.
My own experience of perfectionism
I didn’t realise my own perfectionism was a problem until a few years ago when I received the final grade for my MSc Psychology. I missed the grade I had set my sights on by 0.9% and spent days afterwards feeling lousy about myself. Eventually, I turned to Google for answers as to why I was feeling so distraught. There I stumbled across a chatroom where others were sharing similar experiences about academic performance and struggles with perfectionism. It was a real light bulb moment for me.
As the following weeks and months unfolded, it was as if a light was illuminating key moments in my life where the high standards I had set for myself had actually created negativity, disappointment and an overall sense of ‘stuckness’. What I came to realise was that perfectionism was causing me to get in my own way.
I saw how the sense of drive I considered to be a positive trait had often tripped me up and held me back. Sure, my high standards meant I could do things like organise great events and be a good proofreader but suddenly I could see how it was a coping mechanism that was past its sell by date.
Little by little in the intervening years, I’ve worked to reduce the significance of my perfectionism and turn it into something more constructive. My own experience is a reason why I’m so keen to help others create a healthier relationship with their perfectionism.
How it shows up in my practice
I thought it might be helpful to introduce some ways in which perfectionism shows up with my clients.
Most commonly, perfectionism initially appears as a positive self-concept i.e. ‘I’m a real perfectionist’. Clients tell me they have a strong inner voice which drives them on that is characteristically highly critical. Alongside this inner critic, there is frequently a pattern of avoidance which can show up as procrastination. This may seem counterintuitive but it’s grounded in the need to do an excellent job. If someone is unsure if they can perform well at a certain task, this can become a handbrake.
Perfectionists make brilliant rule setters. Their rules show up in their behaviour around work or study, their body and appearance, what they eat and their routines. They are underpinned by a need for control, fear of mistakes and always wanting to make a good impression. Perfectionists also tend to be very good people-pleasers and overthinkers with a strong desire to avoid disappointing others.
Part of my role is to help clients understand how their perfectionism shows up, why these thoughts and behaviours have come about, and whether or not they are supportive. These perfectionist patterns are usually understandable strategies they have put in place to feel safe and in control.
The perfection pressure cooker
Today’s culture has created a pressure cooker effect around perfectionism. Whilst the perfectly curated feeds on social media are blamed as the villain of the piece, there are plenty of other factors which add to the pressure my clients and others experience.
Perfection expert, Thomas Curran, argues that perfectionism is a cultural obsession rather than a personal one2. Our society glorifies the attributes of achievement, hard work and productivity. This messaging can show up early in our lives through comparison to family members, expectations in the classroom, and a pressure to succeed.
Additionally, there is a massive focus on aesthetics. We are bombarded with images, stylised ideals and expectations of what the culture deems to be the ideal size, shape and look of the day. Celebrities, movies, the fashion industry and much more fuel this promotion of the perfect way and the pressure to conform.
What perfectionism hides
The burden of perfectionism can be significant. Aside from the positive attributes, the traits of a perfectionist can be quite overwhelming, and it may take some time to uncover the full impact.
They may have started out as protection but these traits can evolve into issues such as chronic self-criticism, an inability to feel satisfied or to relax, difficulty setting boundaries and eating disorders. Perfectionism can lead to burnout, high levels of anxiety and a loss of sense of self.
Approaching perfection with curiosity
Whilst shame can be a natural feeling for a perfectionist, if you are thinking about whether perfectionism is an issue, I encourage you to approach your enquiry with curiosity.
Here are some prompts which might be helpful:
– Where do your standards come from?
– How do you speak to yourself when you don’t meet your goals?
– What do you fear would happen if you lowered your standards?
Be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Perfectionism is not something we need to banish but something we can understand, soften, and reshape.
I’ll be exploring perfection, its traits, and its impact in future posts if you’d like to check back.
1 American Psychological Association. (2018, April 19). APA dictionary of psychology. Dictionary.apa.org. https://dictionary.apa.org/perfectionism
2 Curran, T. (2023). The Perfection Trap. Simon and Schuster.
